28 Weeks Later

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WARNING!

This post is going to contain massive spoilers, including the hilariously ridiculous ending of the film "28 Weeks Later", read only if you’ve already seen the film or don’t give a shit about spoilers or zombies or zombie-like viruses and the events they lead to.

The plot of this film can be summed up in two words:

BLOODY SCOT!

Leave it to an English film to make a Scottish man fuck it up for everyone when shit’s all good. Not only does this dude abandon his wife to the rage zombie hordes when they finally invade where him, her and a bunch of other people are hiding during the first outbreak (which was actually a pretty good scene) and runs off like a pansy, but he reintroduces the virus when he kisses his zombie wife. Okay, lemme back up here.  

Bloody Scot…

So the US Military has come in to help since 90% of the Brits have all died from this thing, they’re pretty sure the last virus zombie died 6 months ago and so they’ve set up safe zones in London where Brits who either escaped or were abroad can come back (at first I thought they were repopulating Britain with Americans, which would have been hilarious. I swear the US military was only there as an excuse to have Americans in this film.) Scottish Man’s inexplicably blonde children (seeing as both him and his wife had dark hair) who were at a boarding school or something in Spain or somewhere during the first outbreak show up to join him. Seeing as he survived and made it to some military camp sometime between now and when we last saw him running like a bitch from zombies the soldiers in charge of this operation somehow thought it wise to give him an all-access military pass and a building to be in charge of. He proceeds to sobbingly tell his kids a very different story that makes it sound like their mom got killed/zombified before he could do anything and then he ran. Jackass. 

The next day his goddamn brat ass kids get the bright idea to sneak off the military secured area, despite there being reports of diseased animals and dead bodies still laying around, to go back to their old house and find a picture of their mom. Mind you this isn’t the same house Scottish Man and their mom were staying in at the beginning of the movie. By sheer coincidence, the little boy finds his mom cowering in the attic. The military run all sorts of tests on her, she’s a little crazed but doesn’t appear infected. But what’s this!? She has bite marks on her! Holy shit turns out she has some weird genetic immunity to the virus, but she’s still a carrier and can still pass it on. Also she has one green eye and one brown eye and so does her son so they sort of just bash you over the head that he and maybe the daughter are also immune. 

Anyway, while the military is having this important revelation that the audience already fucking saw coming, Scottish Man uses his all-access military keycard to go into the room where his wife is strapped down. He proceeds to tell her he’s sorry for ditching her and running like a chicken shit when the zombies attacked, she says she still loves him, and like a colossal retard he goes and kisses her.

And so after much screaming and flailing and blood spewing he kills his wife by digging out her ACCUSING TWO-TONED EYES and then somehow makes it back through all the doors he keycarded through earlier and fucks up everybody’s shit. After this he’s some kind of super zombie, breaking down doors to infect whole crowds of people, surviving the firebombings the US military eventually resorts to to contain the outbreak (they eventually give up trying to kill just zombies and decide to just kill everyone), and makes it halfway across London to a pitch black subway where his kids, who have traveled countless miles on foot and arrived to this area by car leaving a pile of corpses and two military personnel who fell on the way keeping their dumb asses safe, happen to be. Finally he dies after biting his son when his daughter pops a cap in his ass. Turns out the little boy is immune just like mommy, but he can of course still pass it on.

And so in the end the two kids are spirited away to safety by a black helicopter pilot whose name I forgot, but because of his incredible ability to kill zombies with the blades of an airbourne helicopter we shall call him: Awesome Helicopter Man, or AHM for short. But we’re not sure what happens to the fantastic AHM after he flies off with the two diseased children. The only thing we see at the end is the inside of his maybe crashed helicopter, with some Frenchie radioing for help. And then you see a most glorious image: CRAZED ZOMBIES RUSHING TOWARD THE EIFFEL TOWER!

No. I’m not making this up. And I am fully confident that the next sequel shall be called: Zombies in Paris.

I think all the other people in the theartre (all 8 of them) may have heard me blurt out "What the fuck? They made it to Paris?" as the ending credits began to roll. Call me crazy, but um, when I was staying in England I recall having to take a train from London to get to Paris. Did the zombies just run along the tracks for days, through the underwater tunnels, before running at the Eiffel Tower screaming SPAARRRTTTAAAA? But then I thought, maybe Diseased Little Boy spread the virus to Paris. Why the fuck did AHM bring those kids to Paris in the first place? Did Diseased Little Boy infect the other two in the helicopter and they crashed? I dunno what the fuck happened, so many unanswered questions.

The top two theories of my friend and I were: Awesome Helicopter Man challenged Diseased Little Boy to a spitting contest to pass the time while they flew, took some spit right in the eye, turned into a rage zombie and crashed in Paris. Either that Diseased Little Boy decided they should go purposefully infect Paris because nobody likes the French.

Either way, look forward to the next sequel "Zombies in Paris" in 2010.